Family Distrust

The sense of family distrust is uncommon, but it does exist.

A few days ago, options for my cancer-stricken mother were discussed during a serious family meeting as the possibility of an operation was highly likely. An option that was considered is the possible sale of the ancestral home where the family is currently living in.

This was what my mother previously wanted, a desire which my sister-in-law communicated to me and my wife, saying the idea was good as there will be money to finance my mother’s possible operation. The remaining proceeds can then be equally divided between me and my brother as per the explanation of my sister-in-law; an idea that we nodded in agreement, but adding that the final decision remains with my mother. Little did I know that hiding behind this issue is family distrust.

A week before the meeting, my brother-in-law who flew in from the US along with my elder sister, suddenly asked me why I was seeking my share of the possible sale of the ancestral house, an act which I strongly denied doing. My mother asked me the same question the next day during a separate talk where I could sense an air of family distrust in her tone. Nevertheless, I denied the accusation, adding that it was my sister-in-law who opened the topic about proceeds from the possible sale.

During the meeting, which my sister requested, she asked me the same question. I and my wife stood by my original reply despite the air of family distrust hanging above my head. Ultimately, though, my sister-in-law admitted that she initially brought up the issue but clarified that it was innocent talk.

Despite the clarification, the meeting continued and soon became a family trial with me and my wife standing as the accused. Various actions that we were doing were brought up, with my sister pointing out that these were not benefitting our children. I will not go into the details of these supposedly non-beneficial actions; suffice to say that ever since I was a kid, there has always been this awkward family distrust towards me.

The problem with my family is that ever since I can remember, I was hardly listened to. Given my physical condition (I was a polio victim), they have this preconceived notion that my views were not worth considering or at most filled with flaws.

As I grew up, I learned to keep things to myself and would often shut out any idea slowly developing in my mind. I have come to accept, with great disappointment, that no one in his right mind would ever look into its possible merits, assuming there was any.

It has often been said that when push comes to shove, you can always turn to your family. My family has proven to be different. I grew up in an environment where you are solely responsible for everything that you do. When problems crop up, you are expected to find the solution yourself.

Under this set-up, I have learned to be independent in many things, even in doing hard and difficult school assignments. Seldom do I ask for help from my family as I will only be turned away, saying ‘you’re a bright kid, solve it yourself’.

Unfortunately, this often comes at a price, because given my limitations, I often falter when attempting to accomplish something. Those are the times when my parents would come to learn of my failure and emphasize the fact that this should be expected from me. I guess that’s where this family distrust somehow developed.

I am now trying to raise a family of my own composed of a loving wife, three beautiful daughters, and an only begotten son. At times, I would see them, especially my two older daughters, trying hard to work on their assignments on their own, and memories of my painful childhood years would flash back in my mind. That’s when I would come near and help them out, telling them that they can always come to me if they need help in anything.

On a regular basis, I give them all a hug, giving them the assurance that I love and trust them. In doing so, I am hoping that family distrust will be non-existent in my family, and my kids, when they come of age, will not have to remember a difficult childhood where trust is hardly extended.